THE MAUVE KINGDOM

Triviapolooza

Go here, I command you!

posted by King O' Mauve @ 1:18 AM 0 Comments

Chickpeas and Anne Rice

So apparently WWoN wants to cook for me. She suggest salads and I tried it. It worked out well. Although, in the face of the chickpeas fiasco, I was worried. I mean, me and WWoN have different tastes. She's all vampires and darkness and I'm all catholic and not crazy.... she and me being friends is kinda like Anne Rice being friends with.................. Anne Rice (ha! I've been waiting to use that joke, that only people familar with Anne Rice will get)........... But now she wants to cook for me; this is what is called WWoNs Domestic Goddess mode, not to be confused with her Goddess of Death mode. This is going to happen on tuesday.

Scary

And so, what else. I went shopping with Lil'Persia, who must have her switch stuck on Domestic Goddess mode. SHe made me buy chickpeas, I ate them, they did not work.
So now I have some chickpeas if anyone wants any.

Nothing else is new.

So in short.

WWoN = Interview with a Vampire
KoM = Christ out of Eygpt
Chickpeas = Bad
Salad = better then chickpeas

posted by King O' Mauve @ 3:28 PM 0 Comments

....And also....

Last Time, On King O'Mauve....

WWoN : "Tell me where the formula is!!!"
Lil'Persia: "Never!!!"

.... and also....

KoM: "If I fail to wash four racks of dishes for every two minutes, he will detonate the resturant, killing everyone."

.... and also....

Police Officer: "Your under arrest for the murder of Bill Clinton."
Sparky: "I think I need a lawyer."

... and also...

Hockey Girl's Boyfriend: "You!!! I thought you where dead!!!"
Shadowy Figure: "Yes(ribbit) but now I shall extract my horrific (ribbit) revenge "

... and also....

The Fiscally Conservative Bandit: "Yes, indeed, and now because of my evil genius, I shall finally solve the Conundrum of Manflation and RULE THE EARTH!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

... and also....

Mr. PARLIAMENT: "In light of recent events, and by the power invested in me by the Maryland Board of Education, I am declaring a state of martial law...."

And now, the exciting conclusion....

Anyways, I am writing once again after work, but i guess its okay, I done good work. but I forgot what I was going to write about. Any ways, I went shopping with Lil'Persia, which meant I couldn't buy unhealthy things, and apparently I had to buy chick peas. Now I have chick peas and I don't know what to do with them. I obviously have to stop hanging around women like this. What else is new. OH. Right! I almost forgot

I want to start a FAQ... unfortunately I am missing the Q part..... Therefore, I COMMAND YOU TO SEND ME QUESTIONS, AND I MEAN ALL OF YOU... perferably about me or the website, but they could be things like "Why are ballons red?" "What makes the sunshine?" "When is there going to be a new Briantorials?" "How is the Problem of Manflation solved?" "What are the Briantorials?" "What is Manflation?"

All very good questions, but I would rather have unique and perferably bizzare questions... I know some of you have like a ton of them... ahem.... Grillguy.... ahem.... WWoN....

Anyways....

NEXT TIME ON KOM

Mr. PARLIAMENT: "I don't care how many you have to kill, just assure that the job is done."

.... and also....

Lawyer: "So I said, listen buddy, I don't know what happened to your dog, and as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that..."
Sparky: "I think I need a new lawyer."


... and also...

Queen of Shron: "We need to find a cure to the virus that we can live with"
Cowgirl: "I have a cure.... but we will need to kill KoM."
Queen of Shron: "Good, we'll go with that one."

... and also...

Grillguy: "The time of liberty is at hand, soon we shall be free of the Maryland Board of Educations iron grip!!!"
1000 Klingon Warriors: "Qapla'!"

... and also...

WWoN: "I thought I killed you!"
Skuul, the Dark Lord of Education: "Tales of my demiss have been greatly exagerated."

... and also...

Lil'Persia: "Mercury poisioning.... just as I suspected.... daminit I warned him.... WHY DIDN'T HE EAT THE CHICK PEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

... and also....

Kahn: "I am going to leave you as you left her.... buried alive.... alive...."
KoM: "KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNN!!!!!!!"

posted by King O' Mauve @ 3:08 AM 0 Comments

Dark Lord of Dish

I work as a dishwasher... usually there is two guys... not tonight... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... apparently having two guys on the weeknights is too expensive.... so I am rather sore tonight, if I may say so, and may be rather short with you...

SHUT UP!!!!

sorry, I digress... currantly I am trying to think of what to eat tommorow.... perhaps some pork, or steak or turkey or chicken... not fish, I've had my weekly quotiant of fish this week... Maybe I will try some of those recipes for okra, I find simply boiling it makes it slimy and gross... I am also wondering how I will be able to survive till easter without cafiene... I miss ice tea so much it hurts...

did I just not tell you to SHUT UP!!! JEEZ!!!

My apologies.... for your pleasure, a list

Top Ten things that Upset KoM at Work

10. sticky stuff
9. Servers who don't know what the word Enthusiams means
8. Servers in general
7. Square plates
6. people who linger in the bar after we have last call
5. staff members who linger in the bar after they are done
4. Dishguys who where able to get on the line, and come back into dish to mock me
3. People who try and hid their dirty dishes from me
2. Bar Porters, my Arch-Nemises
1. Gum stuck on plates by costomers

I have alot of anger.... mainly because of gum....

posted by King O' Mauve @ 2:27 AM 0 Comments

Hearts in Caflantis

For reason only apparent to some small dedicated group of readers, I dedicate this post to Stephan King and Hockey Girl....

So I was playing hearts in the Cafeteria the other day... or more accurate, I was being used as a pawn between the players, one of the which was non other then Lil'Persia... Anyways, I was learning/proxy fighting a vietnamesque war (worked in Vietnam, hmmm, I can make a theme out of this). Strangely enough, I should really have been working on my essay.... Creepy....

Anyways I have decided I need to stay over summer to finish up my degree. Two more courses. But by god I will have my degree or I will have death; and not any normal death, a really cool, like eaten by a tiger, run over by a sentient car, attacked by cheesy short guys in yellow suits, or killed by a cell phone falling from a plane.... yeah, when I die, I want them to say "Boy, that guy really died."... well that was cheerful... point is I want my damn degree, I spent five years here, I want the piece of paper that says "KoM is a smart dude."

And mark my words, I shall succedd

Victory will be Mines

What else? Sparky got a new dog named Porthos, a golden retriever. So far we have had four golden retrievers... this breed of dog is becoming my families totem. hmmm, yes, totem... hmmmm... I hope Porthos doesn't get lost, theres alot of swamp to explore at my place...anyways.......

posted by King O' Mauve @ 2:29 PM 0 Comments

Profiles (kinda done)

It occurs to me that after a year, the nicknames I use are forgoten and people forget which means what and what they are... you know who you are... anyways, this is the incomplete list of people I might write about

Family

Mom and Dad

Relation to Kom: ummmmm

Description: This is my mom and dad. Theres nothing too amazing about them, other then they brought me into the world. Dad likes to cut wood for a hobby and mom is really good at starting fires... a little too good.

Famous Quotes: "Don't worry [KoM], your mother was a bit of a firebug when she was younger"

Takes Over World Via: it would have to invovle wood of some kind, and auditing

Sparky

Relation to Kom: Sister

Description: Sparky is not your average teenaged girl. Whereas some teenaged girls are often cranky, sparky is always cranky; she bite me once over the remote.

Famous Quotes: "Shutup!"

Takes Over World Via: surly-ness

Grillguy

Relation to Kom:Brother

Description: The Grillguy has two mistresses; the grill and star trek. When he's not trying to switch the 'r' and the 'i' around <"Uh? they say>, he is a computer science student of some sort. He also has asperations in political science, and webcomics, and online publishing.

Famous Quotes: "KoM are you listening to me?" <"Ohhhhhhh," they said, "girl, I get it"

Takes Over World Via: a Trekkie revolution

Old School Friends

WWoN (Wicked Witch of the North)
Relation to Kom: Best Friend

Description: WWoN is the Cheat to my Strong Bad, the Spock to my Kirk, the Starbuck to my Apollo, the Reinfeld to my Dracula... well not quite, but she's definately my spock/cheat, informing me when I do something stupid... While she isn't reading vast stores of vampire litature, she is usually tormenting me for being so great... what can you do...

Famous Quotes: "Everybody is here, except for everyone whose not."

Takes Over World Via: Hoards of the undead

Hockey Girl

Relation to Kom: Friend

Description: Hockey girl is the most blogging blogger i know, and she usually is the one who tells me to write one of these things... Oh and she likes hockey, go figure. And she's a hardcore canadian nationalist... the good kind, not the kind that sucks.

Famous Quotes: "I'm holding on the earth, and the earth is holding on to me, because it loves me!"

Takes Over World Via: The NHL

Falkland Cowgirl

Relation to Kom: Friend

Description: My cheif scientific and pop culture advisor, Falkland cowgirl is a invaluable assest to my crack squad. She is currantly working on making my flying man eating cacti.

Famous Quotes: "Cheese is the Devil's plaything"... not actually hers, but she likes to use it

Takes Over World Via: Man Eating flying Catci.

Queen of Shron, (Shrony)

Relation to Kom: friend/enemy

Description: This self styled queen is currantly one of the few Catholic friends I have.... she is also one of my many enemies, working in tandem with her evil boyfriend to ruin my plans for world domination.

Famous Quotes: [In immitation of Peter Griffon's laugh] "eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh" and who can for get "Mmmmmmm, Justin Trudeau"

Takes Over World Via: The residents of her alternative dimesion she rules

New School Friends

Lil'Persia

Relation to Kom: Friend/diet coach (rather unsuccessfully)

Description: Persian, Little, what more can be said about her. She, along with being Iranian, is also American, which is the primary reason for the distinct lack of Canadian words, like "eh" and "touque", and "chesterfield" and "humility".

Famous Quotes: "I will slap you." [KoM] "how, you on the other end of town?" [LP] "I have my ways."

Takes Over World Via: pretty much like hitler

Mr. PARLIAMENT

Relation to Kom:Friend

Description: Our former glorious political leader, now our currant glorious fake-political leader. He knows everything about canadian politics, there is nothing that escapes his great and evil stare... Frankly, I'm a little scared of the guy... knows a little too much, if you know what i mean...

Famous Quotes: Please refer to KoM's book, "The Life and Times of Mr. PARLIAMENT."

Takes Over World Via: completely legal means.

Reverand MD

Relation to Kom: Friend/Spiritual advisor

Description: a Chaplin at our school. He manages some how, without being catholic, to be the Man. And although his humour is increasingly pun-based, he generally seems like a fun loving dude.

Famous Quotes:

Takes Over World Via: Puns?

Robertus

Relation to Kom: Friend

Description: Robertus is also Christian, and once again, not catholic. Some how he makes up for it throught the study of latin.

Famous Quotes: "Rex Mauvorum"

Takes Over World Via: a group of Crusading latin students.

Angliman

Relation to Kom: Friend

Description: Despite being Anglican, Angliman is not a bad person. He is a sub-deacon, which means he is like a regular deacon, except submersible.

Famous Quotes: "What?!?"

Takes Over World Via: The Anglicans

The Fiscally Conservative Bandit

Relation to Kom: Friend/Enemy

Description: FCB is pretty much as hard core capitalist as you can get. He uses economic theory to explain relationship problems (although, debatably I started that... I will do a Manflation post some time in the future). Since his world is money based and my world is me based, we will eventually come into conflict... it is only a matter of time.

Famous Quotes: "Gentlemen, I present to you, the poly-promiscuous Bougousie"

Takes Over World Via: Hanging to the coattails of Lil'Persia

Enemies of KoM (other then Shron... and Lil'persia... and WWoN...)

The Shriners

Relation to Kom:Hated Foes

Description: The shiners are the most sinister and evil wing of the Freemasons. Don't be fooled by their stupid hates and little cars... why do they torment me so..

Famous Quotes: "Oh, look at us, where shriners, lets put on stupids hats and drive around in our stupid cars, have a stupid circus and build a stupid hospital."

Takes Over World Via:Little cars and fez...es?

The Amish

Relation to Kom: Implacable foes

Description: Nobody knows what the amish have against me... But I see them stalking me... I see them in their carriages, waiting for me to let my guard down...

Famous Quotes:"Oh look at me, I'm amish and I don't use eletricity. Lets raise a barn."

Takes Over World Via: button up jeans

Maryland Board of Education

Relation to Kom: Arch-Nemisis

Description: Unfortunately, I can't go into too many details about this, because of pending litigation. I can tell you that it does invovle the theory of evolution, two dogs, and a truck full of German sausages, that some school claims I stole...

Where you not mentioned? Do you actually know KoM? Do you want on? leave a comment, and I will see what I can do about getting you in...
Famous Quotes: "Oh look at us, we're the Maryland Board of Education. We want our sausages back!"

Takes Over World Via: Stupid, stupid text books...

posted by King O' Mauve @ 3:48 PM 0 Comments

Rex Mauvorum vs. Complainers

And so we come to....

Complaint #13

Issue: Your hypothecial and completely theorectical opposition to my ethnic holiday is offensive, in that the very thought that you could think to critize it is so repulsive, that I can not stand it. Therefore, I demand an apology for implying that you might do something.

Response: I would like to refer you to "Catcus Club Dishwashers United Guild vs. Maryland Board of Education", in which it was ruled that insults do not exist unless they are actually said; it is not insulting to imply that perhaps you might insult something in the future. Its the law, look it up.

And apparently, mentioning the word pizza pop, gets alot of comments... ironically, now that I said that there will be alot of comments because of the word pizza pop, there will probably be none.... unless now that I said that there will be no comments will cause people to say "ha, I'll show that Catholic Bastard."... unless then you see that and think, no I won't comment, kom expects it now.... unless... oh no, now my head hurts, peace out my Peoples...

posted by King O' Mauve @ 12:23 PM 0 Comments

Lent and Smoothies

Its lent, so I have to give something up... Cafiene... WWoN things I should give up cafiene permently, she thinks I'm an adict.... Lil'Persia thinks that I made a mistake and should have instead given up pork, mainly because she doesn't like pork

At this point, I should point out, that neither of these women are Catholics

And I am...

So the question becomes, why aren't I critizing how they celebrate Noruz or witches-burn-a-candle day?

Now I know what your thinking (what is Noruz?), and no, I am not suffering from caffiene withdrawl

I always shake violently... luckily I have found an ice tea (oh how I miss ye, dear nector of the gods) subsitute... I like to call it... the smoothie...

The Queen of Shron taught me this one... thanks Shrony... it invovles blending fruit with yogurt... it pleases me mightily

and lately I've been "trying to take care of myself" whatever that means... apparently it means not eating pizza pops and eating more vegtables... luckily I seem to be on the right track... I am not eating pizza pops, to the delight of LP, and I've been eating my weight in oranges, to the delight of WWoN...

A List for the people

Top 10 Things the King O'Mauve puts in a smoothies

10. oranges
9. Bananas (PENUT JELLY TIME)
8. more oranges
7. yogurt, something he would never eat voluntarily
6. soylent green
5. oranges
4. I have alot of oranges right now
3. vanillia
2. Ice
1. Pizza pops

THere you go... Peace out

posted by King O' Mauve @ 1:25 PM 0 Comments